Quirky Eye for the Romantic Guy

A.k.a. Fashion Advice for Romantic Heroes.

So, you think you’re a romantic hero. You’ve got muscles; can defeat a room full of villains in five minutes; have a snarky attitude; a special way with girls and you floss between your teeth morning and night. Even with all these gifts can you really compete in the realms of romantic hero? Do you have an impeccable reputation? Can you, the romantic hero of her dreams, take on and excel in the most dangerous realm of all? Can you take on the fashion world?

Whether you’re a dandy, spiff or Mr. Universe of the Paris Fashion show, never fear, Agent Double D.3 comes to the rescue. Follow this fully detailed dress code and you too can be the best dressed hero in romantic fiction. Copy these guidelines, slap on the pheromones, polish your weapons and soon the world and its oyster will be yours. With luck you’ll even get the girl too.

Agent Double D.3 reports :

1. Vampire heroes. If you want to be a vampire hero always wear black Armani or designer cloak, shoes, pants and jacket. White shirt is obligatory—because white really shows the blood stains and, hey, blood stains are really sexy. Vampire heroes look best with long and thick hair, preferably black or silver/white. They are often well shaved but under duress are sexy with designer stubble. (They have no trouble achieving this since everyone knows just because a vampire is dead, it doesn’t mean their hair doesn’t grow. It’s called magic, see.) Historic vampires are always dressed as gentlemen (see Regency heroes below) and always in the best available—because they are so wealthy. Being seen frequently in polite society is the best way to keep a low profile and hide those irritating habits, like sleeping all day and biting people at night. Alternative clothing: A modern day vampire can simply wear tight fitting black pants, white shirt, a sexy smile and fangs.

2. Werewolf heroes. Werewolves tend toward homey and country style clothes, lumberjack shirts, jeans—all in designer names if possible. Always purchase a plentiful supply since they frequently get torn to shreds during a full moon. The latest trend for alpha/lone wolves, and ones that manage to change out of their clothing before the full moon, is a move to classic designer wear. Formal Armani suits, normally dark to black, white shirt with matching red/brown tie—hey so they’re a little smarter than vampires. You’ll never see a werewolf with a bloodstained tie. Both types of werewolves should have long thick hair, colored according to the fur color of their wolf form. Their hair should preferably be streaked for added interest. Werewolf heroes are usually smoothly shaved, they go overboard with the facial hair at the full moon so why do it as a man too? (Latest figures indicate werewolves no longer linked with the moon and just change whenever they feel a bit wolfish.) Alternative clothing: Tight fitting black pants, shredded white shirt to show off chest and abs and a sexy smile.

3. Regency heroes. Regency heroes are invariably smartly dressed in pressed dark pants and jacket, a white frilly dress shirt—good for tangling fingers in—and highly polished boots. Good boots are essential for a regency hero. Hire a good valet who knows a secret recipe using expensive imported vodka for polishing said boots. Always carry a spare overcoat and capes for those times when the heroine has to take off her clothes because a. she’s fallen in a pond, marsh, river, mud pool, swimming pool, heavy rain. b. has been nearly ravished by the villain and her clothes are in tatters. Also an essential fashion item is the silk handkerchief embroidered with the hero’s initials. This handkerchief can be used to wipe tears from the heriones eyes after events a. or b. or dropped/lost in significant scenes to forward the plot. Sporting short-cut manly hair, gentlemen are always well shaved—only retired and podgy military men have facial hair. Alternative clothing: Dark pants and a devilishly sexy smile for those bedroom liaisons.

4. Scottish historic heroes: Scottish historic heroes have a very frugal budget since most of them are dirt poor after being robbed blind by the accursed Sassenach English. Fortunately a Scottish historic hero doesn’t have to compete in the upper echelons of the fashion market but there are several must have items for a good Scot. The plucky Scot must have a kilt, this is the essential item. It doesn’t matter what the tartan is as long as the Scot’s clan is noted. After all a kilt is a kilt is a kilt what’s the difference in color got to do with it. It’s the interesting bits underneath the kilt the heroine is ultimately interested in. Aside from the kilt the brave Scot always carries a shining dirk and claymore (not an official claymore, but one of those long swords with the swept back hilts because they are so much prettier and lighter to carry). Also the sporran is important because we need something to look at until we see if the hero wears underwear or not. An historic Scot hero saves a mint on the budget because he’s not permitted to wear a shirt, even if there’s one hundred and twenty feet of freezing snow outside. Scot heroes are never affected by the weather. Along with the muscular chest and bulging biceps the Scot historic hero has to have long thick locks of the heroine’s favorite color hair. Most of them also painstakingly pluck out their own beards although, trimmed correctly, a small beard is acceptable. Alternative clothing: A strategically placed sporran and a sexy smile.

5. Contemporary heroes. Contemporary heroes always wear designer clothes (can we see a pattern here?) A designer suit, preferably Armani, usually dark black, gray or blue. The shirt can vary in color as long as it’s not girly pink or mauve. The shoulders should be especially well padded to give the heroine a soft place to cry on. Handkerchief’s are handy for mopping up after a quickie in the closet. The contemporary hero normally has short hair, usually dark or blond, in a style that looks manly and is always in place—a fact the heroine is jealous of. Smooth shaven, though in the case of being stranded on a desert island, chased across country, living rough while rescuing heroine some designer stubble is wowser and eminently acceptable. Alternative clothing: Sexy hip hugging, bathrobe open to the hips with chest and hair damp from the shower with a sexy grin.

6. Fantasy heroes. Fantasy heroes fall into two types. You have the brash, muscular and bold Conan style. This style of fashion can only be done by the very muscular since it consists of bare chest, armbands wrapped around huge biceps, massive double headed axe or broadsword and a furry loincloth. Designer loincloth is preferred, ones made by virginal (until the hero found them) priestesses who live in a distant mountain temple a hundred plus miles from civilization. Finding these Priestesses to get the designer wear often involves the slaughter of several famous and deadly guardians. If you want the designer (insert mythical monster name)skin boots, please bring along the corpse of an (insert mythical monster name) along with you. Note specifically this type of fantasy hero only needs one loincloth. Laundry is done by jumping in a lake fully clothed. The second more attainable type of fantasy hero is the dark, broody type, designer stubble, long hair, lanky, slightly grubby armor takes a bath about once a millennium. Leggings and tunic are a must, preferably made of tough leather or covered with light chain mail. Broody fantasy hero’s still carry a whopper of a sword, though it’s rather shorter than a broadsword. Longswords are preferred, especially ones with some essential magical quality for killing the major villain and his underlings. Boots, dagger and a cape or cloak for bad weather are also useful. Designer clothes aren’t essential but broody fantasy heroes of the best class are always dressed in elven or fairy wear. The fantasy hero must make sure, during all the muck and grime, that he remains either smoothly shaved or maintains a subtle designer stubble. Elven heroes—that’s a whole other story. Alternative clothing: Rising out of a lake wearing a sexy grin.

7. Futuristic/scifi. Futuristic heroes in romance always has skin tight stretchy clothing. Whether it is a whole body suit that opens down the front all the way to the groin or a basic shirt and pants set the clothes must be thin enough to reveal every muscle on the hero’s body. Maintain a good supply of shirts since these are frequently destroyed or lost in battle scenes, sex scenes, domination scenes, and man-eating monster scenes. Shaving isn’t necessary—futuristic man uses either Artificially Intelligent depilatories or are genetically gene altered to never have facial hair. Designer wear isn’t the norm because the designers haven’t been born yet so just do with the best you can. This shouldn’t be hard since most of the gear is synthesized from local matter transmutation machines it’s all pretty dull and boring anyway. The dull fashion may explain part of the heroine’s desire to constantly rip the hero’s clothes off (conversely heroine fashion has never been so fancy, lacy or transparent). The trend for short haired heroes has faded to the more pretty, long flowing lock types. Also if the hero can gene alter his body to contain such in-built fashion features such as blue skin, antennas, the ability to transmute into another form or have a double pronged penis he will succeed very quickly in the romance world. Alternative clothing: Spray on body paint and a very sexy grin.

8. Western heroes. Western heroes have two must have items. They must always wear a gun and a hat, all other items are optional. Designer stubble is a must and jeans (Levi preferred) are also typical western hero fashion. Only one or two articles of clothing are required as laundry, much as for the fantasy hero, is performed by swimming either fully clothed or with just the jeans on. Remember too that jeans are always made of denim, regardless of the time setting of the western. Rumors that jeans used to be made of canvas are just wicked lies. Suede or leather jackets are a secondary must have item along with lumberjack shirts for the cold country. The good Western hero also makes sure he can use the gun at all time, hit everything he aims at and never let it leave his side. Used cleverly it can also make a very intriguing marital aid but do remember to remove the bullets first or the heroine could be in for an interesting surprise. Always make sure there is plenty of dust or mud. No western romance hero is fully dressed without the dusty had or the muddy boots. Cowboy boots of course, the fancier the better. It wouldn’t do to be seen in polite romance company without the embossed/ivory inlaid riding through foul eather and climbing mountains cowboy boot—with spurs. It cannot be stressed enough that the boots need to be removed before sex, otherwise the sheets will be rather badly torn. An optional and sometimes used article of clothing is the bandana, this is best employed in blindfolding the heroine while she is bound and kidnapped. Alternative clothing: Cowboy hat and an extremely sexy grin.

9. Viking hero. The Viking romantic hero makes sure he buys a nice long woolen shirt and cloth pants, held in place by a quick release sash or drawstring. Over these the hero needs to wear a sleeved jerkin or a three quarter coat closed with a quick release belt. Around the house soft leather shoes are acceptable but for real combat situations the best heroes wear boots. Top notch Viking romantic heroes all buy their designer clothing from Valkyries-Я-us. Shaving is laughed upon as a wimpish thing and if the hero’s hair doesn’t host as least fifteen types of parasites or vermin then he is cast out of the Viking guild. Bathing is done in the cold waters of the northern Atlantic ocean because, well, they don’t believe the cold waters there can kill a man in ten minutes. Whenever the brave Viking hero heads into battle he wears an iron helmet, a big sword or axe (preferably one with great legends behind it) and a manic grin. Alternative clothing. Horns and an extremely big sexy grin.

Flat Out Heroism

A.K.A. FLATery Becomes Her

We’ve all been there, and if we haven’t we’re bound to be sometime or later. It’s 2am, you’re on your way home from a hot date, or if you’re even luckier, on your way to a hot date. It’s pouring with rain. No, it’s not pouring with rain, it’s Noah’s flood revisited, and here you are in the middle of Interstate 57, twenty miles from the nearest habitable residence. It is pitch black, wet, cold, miserable, the maniac killer from Hitchhiker is bound to come along any minute now, and what are you doing? You are staring at the flattest tire you’ve ever set eyes on. Even worse, the flat is the spare that you’ve just had the foresight to take out of the trunk, and it’s even flatter than the one currently on your wheel. This is the spare you’ve been promising yourself to replace since that puncture at Milly’s party last year. Suddenly out of the sheets, nope, buckets of water that some deity with a sick sense of humor is throwing over you, you see the headlights of a brand new Porsche slowing down to a halt behind you. The drop dead gorgeous take-me-on-the-road-now! hunk that gets out of the car offers to help. Other than ripping your panties off and begging him to find you a nice warm fire to dry them beside, what should you do?

Never fear our special Agent Double D.3 has risked life, limb and, ahem, virginity to troll the roads for this exclusive report. Want to know what you’re really getting into when those handsome eyes offer to replace your spare? Need to prepare yourself for an unforeseen inflatable experience? What do you do when he plays with it and makes it nice and hard? (The tire, silly, the tire!) Just what kind of man, or beast, are you dealing with? Read Agent Double D.3’s special report on ” FLATery Becomes Her,” for the answer to these puzzlers and more see the report below:

Agent Double D.3 reports :

Vampires: Brand new Porsche, huh? And if you ask him you’ll find that this is just his weekend car, he has five more at home that he uses for different days of the week. His offer of help comes in the form of a private mechanic, with the same pale skin and bright eyed look as the hunk beside you. For some inexplicable reason, as he drives you to his small thirty room mansion, just to have your panties steam dried by his army of maids, you have an overwhelming desire to offer him your neck and say “Bite me.” If this is happening to you, then you, my lucky dear, have become the personal project of a superlicious vampire lord whose one intention is to have you solely for himself. Don’t be surprised when you wake up in the morning, in his bed, to find five brand new tires on your car and Band-aids all over your body.

Werewolf: Soft top Porsche, no coat, pouring rain, a sexy swagger and an all too confident smile on his face. Something about this guy makes you want to give him all your panties, which he’ll dutifully throw away. After all, who needs panties when this hunk is around. Having teased all your problems out of you, and maybe nuzzled your crotch some, he’ll pull out his cell phone and a whole pack of his buddies will be surrounding your car in minutes, towing it, changing tires, drinking beers. And as you snuggle in between clean sheets, in a big bedroom with a huge log fire and a naked hunky fellow beside you, all of your problems will seem like a dream. You have had the good fortune of becoming the property of the local werewolf clan’s pack leader. Don’t worry about the clumps of fur stuck all over you when you wake up in the morning. These are simply a result of his bull mastiff, fido, sharing the bed with you last night.

Ghosts: Porsche? What Porsche? All you know is this hunkalicious guy has appeared beside you and now your panties are soaked, and it’s not because of the rain. Rain, hell, it’s so darn cold it’s snowing now. Unfortunately he doesn’t have a cell phone, but he does know of a nice quiet semi-mansion nearby that looks old and uncared for but has a terrific owner. No, there isn’t any phone, but hey there’s a fireplace, plenty of wood, and a nice comfy bed which would fit both of you very nicely. Besides you really should get out of those frozen panties before you catch a chill or get frostbitten or something. You, you lucky thing, are now the beloved human of the local scare-them-all-and-keep-them-off-my-property ghost. When you wake up in bed in the morning with hand shaped frost marks on your breasts don’t forget, you kept telling everyone how you needed to get more exorcize.

Invisible men: Okay, it doesn’t faze you that the guy who just stepped out of the Porsche is covered head to toe in bandages, and he wears dark sunglasses at night. You just know, simply, that beneath those rags he’s the hunk you’ve been looking for ever since you learned what Giving Head meant. Efficient and capable this great hero has the local A1 tow truck at your car within minutes and is escorting you to his delightful ranch style home, tucked back in the quietlands of suburbia. You’ll know he’s the man for you because, strangely, your panties will come off all by themselves and hang themselves neatly by the fireplace. And we all know that panties are never wrong. These are all signs that you’ve been adopted by the local genius scientist/invisible man. You’ll sleep the entire night away dreaming of having funkalicious sex with some incredible mysterious and hard to see yummy guy. When you wake up all hot and sweaty in the morning with hickeys all over your breasts, don’t worry, it’s just side effect of having all those deliciously hot dreams.

Mermen: If the hunk that steps out of the car is very floppy, and I mean flopping and flapping all over the road (and we all know how useless a floppy man is,) then you’ve had the misfortune to be rescued by a Merman. Now Mermen are kind of pointless in this situation, unless of course you’re into sea food. So get out the fish filet knife, some beer batter, skewers and find a nearby bridge to give you some cover to put up a barbecue and deep fat fryer, then sit back and have some late night fish and chips. Sorry, you’ll have to keep those panties on this time around, after all, grilled is the only head you’re going to be getting tonight.

Incubus: Forget the Porsche, let’s talk Subaru. A big four wheel drive, ten seater affair that has the back seats removed and a permanent mattress and feather down bed installed. Your panties are now history, lost somewhere in the four feet between your car and his. By the time the A1 tow truck has driven off with your tires, got them fixed and returned them, you’re on your fourteenth orgasm-and you don’t give a damn about the tires thank you very much. Then you’re driven home to a very nice, warm house, with a delicious fireplace, hot chocolate and lots of KY lubrication. This is going to be a very busy night for you and the last thing you need is a bad case of friction burn. Congratulations you’ve been taken into the custody of your local incubus. When you wake up in the morning don’t even dream about getting out of bed. Panties? You’ll never need them again.

Djinn: Okay, so this guy, panty soaking delicious though he is, is so weird. I mean he doesn’t drive a Porsche, he rides a carpet for frick’s sake. Not just any old carpet but one that miraculously keeps him totally dry in spite of half the Pacific falling on top of you both. At least he has the decency to extend the keeping the rain off part when he gets close enough to see what’s going on. And, it was very nice of him to snap his fingers and replace all your tires, well damn, the whole car, in a matter of moments. It is a little disconcerting to find he obtained your rather damp panties in a similar matter. Although, of course, you knew he was going to get them sometime anyway, so that’s alright. If those little signs don’t clue you in, suddenly finding yourself in an exotic Arabian castle, dressed in flowing see-through silk, sans underwear, and being attended to by a bevy of pretty and very helpful young ladies should. You’ve just taken charge of a local Djinn (although taking charge is a matter of debate here.) Just wake up and get out of bed anytime you fancy, though you’ll probably be too exhausted from the non-stop sex to even bother. Oh, and only wear the panties if you ever leave your private chambers, it makes such a mess when the male servants drool all over the carpets.

Agent Double D.3 report ends.

Bite and Make-Up

A.K.A. Turning a lover’s spat into a bedroom frolic.

So, you’ve been going out with your lass for a few months now, everything was hunky dory until you bit her too soon and now there’s blood on her new dress, or perhaps you put seaweed in her panties drawer and have sand blocking the toilet. She’s pissed, and rightly so. What are you going to do about it? Refuse to acknowledge your involvement? Blame it on the paranormal freak next door? Tell her your brother did it? Or are you going to be the brave hero you are and admit to your one and only mistake? Just how do you calm and wickedly seduce the true love of your life when she all she wants to do is kill you… again.

Never fear, our intrepid, Agent Double D.3 has investigated this phenomenon and come up with a report just for you—a detailed guide of how to wheedle your way back into her favor and her panties. Go, buy the expensive diamond necklace she always wanted, and sally forth with this useful guide to saving face in a paranormal cock up.

Agent Double D.3 reports:

Vampires: Are you finding it difficult to keep your fangs to yourself. Or maybe you brought the coffin home and scared the neighbors? Perhaps bits have been falling off in a severe case of sunburn? If your lady love is pissed for one of these reasons do yourself a favor and make a good friend of a local blood bank technician. Yes, piercing the plastic doesn’t taste anywhere near as good, but trust me it’s better than a heart shaped stake through the chest. To win back your beloved’s affections bring her that fabulous piece of diamond jewelry she always wanted, remove any offending articles from her sight—including your fangs—and apologize profusely. Treating her to a no strings attached full Swedish massage will also help wonders. For your own sake though, just for now, feast on her beauty and not on her blood and you’ll be back on biting terms in a week.

Werewolf: Shedding fur and bringing home last night’s half finished supper and leaving it on the kitchen floor will get your ass kicked in the doghouse. So, before she sets in with a flea shampoo and full body shave—hide the kibbles and get smart with a super expensive gift. Diamonds will be fine, or a nice string of pearls. Don’t offer to buy her furs, that will only remind her of the wolf skin wrap she’s always wanted. Alternately consider taking her to a popular beach resort, give her time to relax in your company with sun, surf and cocktail bars. If the heat is too oppressive for you, you might find it beneficial to accept that full body shave. After all, think of the fun to be had with those slippery suds and skillful hands.

Ghosts: You accidentally froze the roast turkey at thanksgiving? Walked through the shower wall while Aunt Betsie was showering and gave her favorite aunt a stroke? That puts you in deep kimchi, my man, uh, ghost. Soothe your path back to love with some delicate red roses, a slinky satin nightdress in virginal white, and two dozen boxes of her favorite liqueur filled chocolates. Once you’ve packed Aunt Betsie off to the ER (or the local male escort agency— depending on what kind of stroke you gave her) and settled her in, your beloved will be so snozzled it is just a matter of moments to persuade her to slip into that new nightdress, and comfort her in bed. Under no circumstances suggest you shower together, and for goodness sake, get used to using the door like normal folks. Okay?

Invisible man: Been caught walking naked in your neighbor’s bathroom while she’s in the bath? Terrified your mother-in-law’s poodle by sneaking up to it while invisible and pulling its tail. Such trials and tribulations will put you out of sight and out of mind as far as your heroine is concerned. To bring her around and your relationship back to serenity, take her on a luxury cruise. Spend the evenings gently clonking her prospective dates on the head and hiding their unconscious bodies in the nearest life raft. She’ll soon come to appreciate your caring, sensitive ways and you’ll be able to spend the rest of the cruise sharing sweet nothings, and blissful pillow talk.

Merman: Okay, so you have a panty fetish. That’s not a problem, lots of heroes have a panty fetish. But for goodness sake don’t leave your seaweed in her panty drawer. No heroine wants to go through a novel smelling of fish, especially not if their hero smells like one too. She does have a bit of class you know. So, before you get filleted and parceled out at the local fish market, this would be a good time to take her to visit your parents. Buy her some decent scuba gear, tons of oxygen and at least three drawers full of fun, fresh and sexy panties, and you’ll be well away. Oh, just one thing, you’ll probably find your sister persuades her that seaweed in the latest in lingerie fashion. Go figure.

Incubus: Yes, we know what you do best. The whole street knows what you do best. Dare we even say the entire female population of your city knows what you do best. Here’s the rub. Human women like to be exclusive, and doing what you do best has kind of screwed, er, jeopardized your relationship. This time, unfortunately, doing what you do best, with her, isn’t going to sort it. Nothing short of seeing you self-emasculate is likely to resolve this problem. You could start, though, with a long romantic year on a deserted island, with just the two of you, a few goats and coconuts. It may not get you back together again, but at least you’ll have a few goats to keep you company while you try.

Djinn: You wriggled your nose one too many times and now Uncle Jasper is much hairier than you and is hanging from the chandelier by his tail. Ooops. Unfortunately that was the last wish of the day and he’s going to have to stick with a diet of banana’s until midnight tomorrow. The love of your life has given you the choice of ultimatums. Change him back and go rot in your bottle forever, or change him back and go rot in your bottle for an eternity. To avoid an ageless fate worse than death, call up your magic carpet and whisk everyone, Uncle Jasper and all, to an exotic location of blue seas, turquoise lagoons, green jungles and banana trees. Let your beloved see how delighted her uncle is with his new habitat and provide her with the very best in frequent free cocktails and massage services. Hopefully by the time Uncle Jasper recovers she’ll be too comatose to remember why she was upset.

Agent Double D.3 report ends.

Is It Time to Bite?

A.K.A. It’s always hard the first time.

This is it. Forget the nerves and anxiety, you’ve finally met the girl of your dreams and she’s agreed to “try you out” with a nice meal, theater and dancing. So shave, shower, and get out your most stunning designer wardrobe—not forgetting her favorite men’s cologne. Now you’re ready for the most romantic and thrilling night of your life. But wait! Have you read your Horton’s guide to Polite Dating? Do you know the difference between a Winny and a Whammy? Worried that you might not be able to impress her?

Never fear, our intrepid, never to be daunted, Agent Double D.3 has performed many an arduous night of research—with much wine, dancing and, well, yes!—to provide this report. Here is a detailed guide for prospective paranormal suitors on the correct behavior for your very first date. So, buy the bouquet of flowers, pick up a box of Godiva, and have yourself a very successful, and hopefully satiated, evening.

Agent Double D.3 reports :

1. Vampires:
   The Gift— Flowers are a must, unless you know for certain the young lady in question is allergic to them, and some chocolates. For goodness sake don’t take red wine, it will remind you too much of that other red stuff and might cause you to lose control. Since your love bite is of the, let’s say more committed kind, you will need to control yourself with this hot babe.
   The Date— During the actual date itself, keep focused, look interested in her at all times—even if she never leaves the topic of lipstick shades. Just smile, gently put your hand over hers, and politely suggest that she’d look good enough to eat with a bright shade of blood red. If you find it hard to control yourself around attractive humans avoid the dance venues on the first few dates. Dancing tends to accentuate the pulse and makes your date’s neck far more attractive than normal. Many a vampire male has been branded uncouth for biting their partner on the dance floor.
   The Walk/Ride Home— Please refrain from turning into a giant bat and carrying your date home. Aside from the likelihood of scaring her to death, bat dropping stains are awfully hard to remove from clothing.
   After Date Desserts— It’s not considered gentlemanly to bite someone on your first date, unless they are willing. Of course, with that magnetic stare of yours, how could she not be willing? Not to mention, her bed can be terribly lonely for one.
2. Werewolf:
   The Gift— As much as it pains me to tell you this, a huge slab of raw steak is not, in human terms, considered romantic. If she swoons when you slap two pounds of the best, bloody sirloin in her hands as she opens the door, it will not be from delight. Give her something special, like a fur coat made from pelts of your prey—minus the bite marks, of course. Under no circumstances suggest that she might like to go to dinner, au natural, under the coat. If she suggests it herself, hey, that’s a different matter.
   The Date— Firstly – avoid making a first date on the full moon. Even the most liberal of women can take offense at their hunky companion turning into Chewbacca over tagliatelle. Dancing is a must, since your natural animal grace will overawe any potential lover. For dinner, avoid places that serve raw meats, like steak and hamburger, and stick with processed foods like Italian or Chinese. Seeing you, with blood dripping off your chin, will not increase your chances of romance.
   The Walk/Ride Home— We’ve all heard about the wonderful freedom of running the streets and forests in wolf form. Unfortunately your date is human. She can’t transform. Probably doesn’t want to transform, and is most likely to scream and run if you do transform. A taxi, or car, is the recommended form of transport here. Though removing the dead deer from the trunk and having the car detailed to remove the smell of wet wolf, before the date, is an advisory precaution.
   After Date Desserts— Don’t automatically think buying her a nice meal, giving her chocolates and having a fantastic time dancing gives you the right to grab your date and hump her in her front garden. Get her into the living room first where it’s warmer.
3. Ghosts:
   The Gift— Now might be the time to raid that famous treasure stash of yours to find that one antique bauble of Aunt Matilda’s, which matches perfectly with your new date’s eyes. Make sure she’s aware of its sentimental value to you and how special she is, which is why she must have it. At no point admit you think the thing is butt ugly and you’re so glad to be rid of it.
   The Date— Since your state of visibility is, let’s say somewhat challenged, the best venue for a date is that olde fashioned restaurant with separate booths, and preferably curtains that can be pulled across for more privacy. Have the lights turned really low—for romantic reasons, and keep your date distracted with interesting food and copious wine. The less she has to look at you, and the more she’s drunk, the less likely she is to wonder why the paisley pattern of the chair cover can be seen through your chest.
   The Walk/Ride Home— You may be able to drift through brick, stone and wood, but she can’t. Open the doors for her, please.
   After Date Desserts— With all that wine keeping her happily smiling, she won’t mind at all if you tell her a few ghostly stories, as you tuck both of you into her bed.
4. Invisible man:
   The Gift— Don’t be cheapskate. Presenting your date with a vase full of your specially grown invisible flowers, especially the ones you can’t feel, will always backfire in the end. With luck you’ll just get a kick or two to the shins, if you’re unlucky you’ll get a kick or two somewhere else and the door slammed in your face. After that we’ll be calling you Ethel. Spend that extra twenty dollars and get her some real flowers. You, your shins and your other bits, will be grateful.
   The Date— Walking around covered in bandages can make it a bit tricky when it comes to getting into some of the more exclusive places. The simple solution to this is to effect a snobbish British accent and accidentally drop some business cards in front of the maitre d. Make sure the cards have the seal of the British Crown on them and P. Willy underneath the seal. Apologize profusely, explaining that you’re not in disguise but simply holding the cards for a friend. You will suddenly discover the restaurant has excellent service for you and your date, though you may have to endure being called “your majesty” for the duration of the evening. Note that it is in extremely bad taste, when your date goes to the restroom, to unravel the bandages and slip inside just to get a peek. But if you do, make sure to take photos on your cell phone and post them on the web.
   The Walk/Ride Home— Take a romantic walk across the park on your way home. If you choose a cloudy night, on a new moon when there’s a power outage, you can even take off your bandages and walk naked. She’ll never know the difference.
   After Date Desserts— A simple peck on the cheek is quite sufficient. Though it may take a little persuading to get her to pull down the covers enough to expose her butt.
5. Merman:
   The Gift— Fish may go down very well at home, but here it should be reserved solely for the sushi chef. Seaweed too, since it really doesn’t stand well in a vase. Now an intricately carved statue of coral is acceptable, or a small strand of a hundred or so pearls. Well, who needs to go out for dinner with a gift like that?
   The Date— Yes, we know you love to talk to the dolphins, and whales are really cool when you can share the local sea gossip. Unfortunately most women, when they dress in slinky evening wear, don’t like to spend their date at the local Sea World. This might stifle your creativity some, yes, but stop thinking with the flippers man, think with your head. And no, we don’t mean that head. A nice restaurant, away from sources of water— i.e. the sea front—will serve nicely. Oh, and unless it’s sushi or oysters, don’t eat the fish raw.
   The Walk/Ride Home— Given the typically unpredictable state of the weather, always travel by car or taxicab. Any other form of transport runs the risk of being caught in rain. This would leave you floundering, and your angry date haggling prices with the local sushi chef.
   After Date Desserts— This is your time to demonstrate how much you like to eat things raw.
6. Incubus:
   The Gift— Please, please, please, leave that frozen sample from the sperm bank at home. Go for something simple like a velvet blindfold and silk scarves, just to give her a taste of what’s to come later. Besides her, that is.
   The Date— Naturist beach – no. Mixed sauna and hot tub – no. skinny dipping – no. Look dude if you want to get hot and naked with her at least find somewhere private. How about suggesting an indoor barbecue at your place, clothing optional?
   The Walk/Ride Home— You’re already at home… What are you waiting for?
   After Date Desserts— Slinky, smooth, sexy. This is just the area you are an expert in. Oh, okay, you can get those sperm samples out now…
7. Djinn:
   The Gift— With the gifts of a thousand maharaja’s at your whim you had to go buy her a box of chocolates! Good grief! Next time bring a ruby or two, and a diamond necklace, a tiara, a…
   The Date— A taste of the exotic will work wonders here. Take her someplace she’s never been—yes, we know she hasn’t been to Topeka, Kansas but you need make it exciting and someplace that people would actually want to visit. Bring her to locales where she can try food and wine that has never been seen on this World, just make sure to have the detox wagon ready for when she gets home. If you do all that, it will be a memorable experience for her she’ll never forget. Whatever you do, don’t take her to Paris, France or Florence, Italy. Those so called romantic pot holes are way too overused and utterly boring.
   The Walk/Ride Home— Now, this magic carpet type thing is kind of cool. It is a thrilling ride, indeed, to feel the wind blowing through the hair and see the tiny, biddy people way, way below. Do check first, though, that your date isn’t afraid of heights or gets travel sick. Cleaning those antique carpets can be costly.
   After Date Desserts— Who needs to go home when you have a convenient flying carpet and a few handy condoms? Watch out for those carpet burns.

Agent Double D.3 report ends.

Finding the Perfect Paranormal Date

A.K.A. Things that go Hump in the night

Okay so you’ve cleaned, scrubbed and de-make-upped your face. You’ve put curlers in your hair and plucked the ungainly growth from wherever the ungainly growth grew (hey, you try typing that line at 3am!) The wind outside is howling, the moon is full and bright and the cold frosty bit on the stairway is getting even colder and frostier. Not to mention there is a new batch of seaweed on the balcony and the smell of fish in the bath. So, what do you do now? Do you go and investigate these interesting phenomena, or should you call Mr. Husky nice guy, just in case you need a little comfort and—comfort.

Never fear, our intrepid, never to be daunted, Agent Double D.3 has done a special guide on how to deal with unusual nighttime paractivity and find yourself a perfect match. So go get yourself a nice mug of dreamy hot chocolate—made with added chunks of real Godiva. Find a cosy, alright steamy—okay, okay, hot enough to take your breath away romance? Slide into your slinkiest, silky sleepwear (really I am sober, honest.) And listen to the latest gossip on the sultry side of midnight.

Agent Double D.3 reports :

Vampires: Detecting a vampire in the house is achieved through a variety of ways. Screaming “Bite me, Bite me,” isn’t a recommended method until you know which type of vampire you have. A cautious approach to any attic, fully armed with crucifix, garlic, holy water and with a generous stake by your side is considered ideal. Of course, you may wish to wear a night dress which is particularly sleek and see-through. Just in case he’s handsome, sexy and an overall good guy. Then again, who cares about the good..?

Werewolves: The first thing one must do in detecting the presence of werewolves is to check the moon. Unfortunately, most modern werewolves can now change at any time of the month but it’s always good to know the moon is still there. The first and most obvious sign that a werewolf is on your property is the sudden depletion in your supplies of Kibbles and Bits. You don’t have Kibbles and Bits? Then try leaving half a lamb or a string of rabbit carcasses by the porchway. The next half-naked hunk with torn jeans who hammers on your door in the wee hours, demanding to know why you’re attempting to poison him with raw meat, is your man, uhm, wolf. On discovering his identity you must immediately offer to run a shower for him. Note: It is considered terribly bad form to do this while standing naked within the shower. But then, good form was never much fun.

Ghosts: Ghosts are a particularly hard paractivity to notice. Being hard though is kind of what makes these guys fun. It is possible to detect these paramours through expensive and complicated electronic devices. This is not recommended. At worse you look like an idiot when you find you can’t operate the stuff, at best you look like a weedy college professor that no decent ghost would be seen floating around with. The best method is to take off your clothes and lie on the bed naked. Everyone knows that ghosts just love to look at people in bed, not to mention with this method you’re already half-way prepared for when he arrives.

Invisible men: Invisible men are tough bodies to crack, most of them being on the verge of half-crazy. Hey, if you couldn’t see it to aim when you needed to pee, you’d be waltzing up to the nut house too. Catching these types of paractivity requires cunning, stealth, a good ear, edible spray adhesive and several bags of your favorite chocolate ground into a fine powder. Since most invisible men are natural voyeurs find a nice private part of the garden that is well lit by moonlight. As soon as you hear footsteps and see feet depressions in the grass, spray liberally with the adhesive and toss the bags of chocolate powder. Once he’s fully, chocolately, visible and stopped sneezing, feel free to offer to clean the chocolate off him.

Mermen: No, no, no, don’t go walking around with a spray bottle of water and soaking all the men you meet hoping to find a merman. While this may have the added pleasure of a surprise male wet t-shirt contest, it will also give a lot of ineligible men the wrong idea. Not to mention if you find the object of your desire he’d be turned into a fish. And really, think about it. WHAT GOOD IS HE WHEN HE’S A FISH? Do I need to repeat myself? No? Good. The use of subtlety is paramount when hunting down anyone of a mer nature. Look for tell-tale signs, most notably the abject fear of getting wet. Observe how long it takes for your suspect to take a shower? Are there loud slapping noises on the floor after he has taken one? Is there an odd sea-like odor and strings of dried sea weed hanging around his balcony? If there are, then congratulations you have caught you a fish, uh, merman. Just make sure, the next time he heads to the beach, you get ahead of him and do some impromptu skinny dipping. The sun, sand and a battery powered blow drier will work wonders from there.

Agent Double D.3 report ends.